Exhausted

Ministry is exhaustive at times. I think the most exhaustive part is leading. Leading requires so many different skills. Skills often that I realize I am lacking in or am not in tune to because I am distracted by my own thoughts and stresses. I know I want the very best for the people I pastor, yet I realize how short I am on being the best I should be. I continually pray for wisdom and not to be distracted by my own foolish thoughts. I get so disappointed in myself. I want to be a great leader, yet I am not always confident in my leadership abilities, especially when they are questioned because I always feel like I have to defend my stance, which truly is not always the truth about the circumstance. It is just my fears and I believe Satan pushing on my fears that many times send me into defensive mode. I am a mover and a shaker and I do not linger on decisions. Many times that is misinterpreted as lack of prayer. I know for a fact though, that before I get to the decision, I have prayed and heard the answer. Getting others to trust that at times is difficult. I am human and many times express my fears and frustrations to friends and they are misinterpreted because I am a pastor. Many times my heart condition is questioned. At times I need to blow off steam. I have to be careful to whom I do so. I am a man and struggle with pressures and fears and disappointments as well as selfishness. I am learning who really knows me and who is still not sure about me. God help me to be the man, husband, father, and Pastor I need to be.